Best Free Spins No Deposit Bonus Codes for 09 February 2021

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

Slightly early happy fourth of July everyone! And belated Happy Canada day to our northern neighbors! And just happy days all around to everyone else! This is a chapter a loooong time coming. But I just kept kicking the idea around in my head, unhappy with it until things felt like they fell into place.
Without further ado the long awaited next chapter of Spellslinger!
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“So… what exactly are we doing again?” Fenrina asked as she helped Steve fit some parts onto a large contraption he was assembling.
“We’re going to stop Scott, and fight his army of skeletons.” Steve reminded her as he slapped some pieces together and wrapped plenty of his special flexible fabric of aquatic bird binding around the parts to hold them in place.
“No, I mean yeah. I get that. But… like how? And what’s this for?” Fenrina asked as she lifted a giant wheel up so Steve could bolt it to the side of his project.
“This is what will help us break through his army. I call it… Spellslinger’s automatic fossil fuel external combusting self propelled mobile engine! Or the SAFFECSPME for short.” Steve grinned and proudly posed before his machine.
“Steve you are just… terrible at naming things.” Sherry sighed with a slow shake of her head as she looked up at his rather haphazardly slapped together invention.
“I am not! You take that back female with whom I have relations!” He huffed. “I’m so tired of all these stupid artifacts we find that are just like… The orb of wonder! The circlet of insight! The Staff of penetrat- Actually that one is rather self explanatory… Regardless! When I name something people don’t have to be like oh I wonder what that does. No! They know exactly what it does right from the get go! Hah!” He once more set his hands on his hips and struck a proud pose.
“Why not like… take some of the words and stick them together? Like… auto...mobile. That sorta means the same thing right?” Fenrina suggested with a shrug.
“The automobile?” Steve asked as he gave Fenrina as confused look. “Pfft. What’s that even mean? It’ll never catch on. Unlike SAFFECSPME!”
“Safakspm?” Fenrina tried.
“No. SAFFECSPME.” Steve corrected her.
“Safeskspem?” She tried again.
“We’ll deal with that later.” Steve waved a hand dismissively. “What’s important now is waiting on word from the Archon that she’s finished up the spell we’ve been working on. Then we… well we wait for some of the skeletons to get here. I don’t have any more fossils so we need to smash them up and toss them in there.” He pointed to the large scoop at the front of his vehicle full of large spiked grinders. “Then inside I have a reserve of arcane water to mix with the ground up fossils, which then combusts here, which is why I’ve got the pipe to make sure most of the explosion is external. And then it’ll start moving forward.” He explained with a slow nod.
“How do we… steer it? And… where do we sit?” Sherry asked as she eyed the machine with a very nervous expression.
“Uh… I’ve got a wheel like on a ship, and I’ve made… seats.” Steve gave another vague wave at the machine. The seats he had bolted or strapped into place were more of the just fit wherever style over the actually made with purpose style. “Oh also, since this is super dangerous don’t forget safety first. Goggles everyone.” He went around to hand them each goggles.
“These will help us if it explodes?” Fenrina asked as she strapped them onto her face.
“Oh no. Not at all. They’re just to keep sand out of your eyes when we’re going fast.” He explained.
“Well, I do like to go fast.” Fenrina nodded with her usual levels of confidence and complete lack of concern.
“Can I mention that so far you’ve yet to mention how we’re going to defeat Scott. Or how we’re going to assemble the rest of Fenrina’s people. Or! Or how you’re even going to cast your spell!” Sherry reminded them even as she put on her own goggles.
“The Archon is casting that spell I mentioned. It’ll round up all of the people who’ve become…. Were-huskies and drop them near us. Don’t worry about it. Also I still need a better name than werehusky. As for casting the spell? Once we’ve mashed up that many of Scott’s skeletons I should have lots of power to use.” Steve shrugged. “As usual our best plans just sort of… happen. Without planning.”
“That makes them not plans.” Sherry drly remarked. “What about Scott? You heard the Archon she said he had powerful magicks with a K. Even with all four of us I’m not sure we can breach such old spell barriers.” Sherry then reminded him.
“Yeah but that’s why Steve is going to finger bang him.” Fenrina reminded them with a shrug.
“Ugh…” Steve groaned at that. “Just… stop saying that.”
“You guys won’t say what’s wrong with finger banging people! So until you do I’m just going to finger bang bang all day!” Fenrina wagged her fingers at the others.
“The finger that I’ve sabotaged will strip away his shields and then he’s like a basic skeleton. Uh… that is alive and talks and stuff. We can smash him real easy then. Larry could even deal with it… if he hadn’t forgotten all his spells for fighting undead and replaced them with party tricks.” Steve glared at the dwarf then.
“Larry insists it so unfair to shame a cleric for choosing to fight boredom at parties of sexy elves instead of fighting boring unsexy undead.” Both Sherry and Steve rolled their eyes as Larry tried to defend his practice of quick casting more… gimmicky spells. Such as transmute water to wine, and greater mood lighting.
“Regardless we need to hold them from getting past this part of the Hamak desert because if they get down into the casinos around Sinner’s Meadow a whole lot of gamblers, plus all the poor bastards the sunbinders buried with their pharaohs over the centuries, will become zombies. Or… skeletons maybe. Something undead. Although it might be hard to tell the difference compared with their usual behavior…” Steve mused idly as he rubbed his beard. Steve, Sherry, and Larry all looked out across the reddish sands of the desert before them knowing a vast horde of undead should be approaching them quickly from the valley of the dead where Scott and the rest of his Dicks had been buried, and conveniently lost to time until now.
“So, Steve, out of curiosity, what if Scott has some extra warriors buried at different points around the desert as a vanguard with like skeleton chariots and stuff and we start getting attacked before the Archon has her spell ready?” Fenrina asked.
“That sounds like an oddly specific worry Fenrina… but I guess we’d just have to ride around smashing skeletons until she’s ready. Why?” Steve asked and looked over to see the canine looking behind them.
“Because I think that hill is a tomb.” She pointed and the others looked around to see a mass of skeletons rushing up towards them, some on chariots being pulled by skeleton horses as well.
“Oh shit!” Steve hissed out as Sherry and Larry turned to quickly set up to face the oncoming attack. “Get ready and remember the plan!” Steve shouted.
“What plan?!” Sherry hissed back.
“That’s easy!” Fenrina grinned as she got out front with her shield raised. “Stuff the bad skeletons into the mashing bit! Drive around and find Scott! And then-
Spellslinger Fingerbangs-
“Don’t you dare!” Steve interrupted her before she could finish, and began to cast a fireball at the charging chariots. “The plan is-
Spellslinger Slaps a Dick
“They keep splintering into tiny pieces! I can’t even get a decent snack!” Fenrina growled out as another pair of skeletons rushed up at her only for her sword to cleave through both of them as a cloud of dust erupted in their place.
“We’ve got to somehow get them straight into the grinder!” Steve shouted and hurled a vine spear into the spoke of one of the chariots, causing the whole thing to tumble over as the skeletal horses shattered.
“Maybe Sherry’s whip? It doesn’t seem to destroy them as much!” Fenrina called out.
“The problem is when I whip them they just make these moaning sounds!” Sherry called back as she held a contingent of skeletal warriors at bay to the side of the machine.
“So… they’re immune to the whip?” Steve asked with a glance over.
“No, it still works but it’s really creepy and I don’t like it!” Sherry growled back. “And they don’t run from it they just stick around to get whipped more!”
“I’ve got an idea!” Fenrina announced and used her shield to smash apart another skeleton before rushing over to grab Larry. “Fastball special!”
“Larry hates this idea!” The dwarf shouted just before she spun and hurled him into the driver of one of the chariots knocking the skeleton out as Larry tumbled into the chariot. The dwarf quickly grabbed the reins then, but it wasn’t easy as he had to keep hopping to see over the horses.
“Into the machine!” Fenrina yelled at him even as she used her shield to shove several of the warriors in front of Steve’s engine. Realizing what she was doing Steve quickly pulled several reagents from his belt and stuffed them into his mouth before vomiting ice all over them to stick them in place.
“Ugh… I hate the flavor.” He muttered as he spit out a final snowball.
“Stop moaning and get back you creepy shits!” Sherry screamed on the other side of the machine as she kept furiously cracking her whip at the possibly masochistic vanguard of skeletons to try and herd them in front of the engine. Just as they were all in position Larry drove the skeletal horses into the grinder at the front of the machine, shoving the herd of warriors in at the same time as the dwarf hurled himself free of the wreckage at the last moment. For a second nothing seemed to happen as the grinders slowly turned, but then they began to pick up speed and the entire machine started to roll forward slowly.
“Hop on!” Steve called out as everyone jumped onto the nearest seat available. Steve tried to slip into the seat behind the steering wheel but to his surprise Fenrina picked him up before he could fully sit down and tossed him onto the front where he grabbed the nearest set to stop from sliding off. “Fenrina! The hell?!”
“All of you cast magic and stuff! What am I gonna do in here? Ask you to drive closer so I can hit them with my sword?” She snorted and pulled a lever to disengage the brakes. Steve was rather impressed at how much more focused she’d been lately. “Besides this way I can make it go as fast as I want!” She grinned wide as he immediately retracted his thought and sighed.
“Well… aim for the main cluster to get more fossils for fuel!” He hollered and pointed at the group still pouring out of the hill tomb. As they began to roll downhill the machine started to pick up speed both from smashing into more of the now fleeing skeletons, and the downhill course. Steve meant to start casting something to help thin the horde but instead he spent most of his time trying to avoid the sword and spears that were flying past him as the warriors got mulched by the grinder. He’d need to adjust his design a bit for the next one.
Thankfully Fenrina didn’t seem to need any help as his machine plowed through much of the vanguard as they tried to leave the tomb and by now it seemed to be fully charged as a gout of flame erupted from the back pipe making the entire thing shudder a moment. There were several more jerks as explosions rocked the SAFFECSPME forward and Steve desperately clutched the sides of his seat to steady himself. “Steve you asshole slow down!” Sherry screamed to the side.
“I’m not driving!” He yelled back.
“Sorry, force of habit! Fenrina!” The demon looked over but the husky was busy letting out a howl and then letting her tongue dangle in the wind as the machine shot out across the desert, rattling and bouncing over the terrain.
While Steve had planned for the goggles to shield his eyes he’d not given as much thought to his mouth and was coughing as his position at the front of the machine made him a magnet for dirt, sand, and bugs. He quickly pulled a cloth from one of his pouches to wrap around his face. When he looked to one side he saw Sherry had cut part of her shirt to do the same. But when he looked to the other side he saw Larry had in face pulled a rather large pair of panties over his face and then pulled his goggles down over it. “What the-”
“These are not Larry’s panties. For Larry does not wear panties. Except right now. As a mask.” He replied before Steve could even ask. Though that didn’t really answer much of anything. Steve wanted to ask more but then Fenrina spoke up as she glanced back.
“Hey Steve what if the skeletons saw what sort of machine we made and somehow like banded together into similar machines but made out of bones and stuff and came chasing after us to stop us and were covered in spikes and more skeletons and stuff?” She asked in one long breathless sentence.
“Uh… that’s… not really… possible?” Steve tried to think of what sort of magic could do something like that but wasn’t sure if it could be done. Especially not so quickly.
“Okay, then I guess I’m hallucinating.” Fenrina shrugged and Steve leaned out to the side to see several skeletal vehicles suddenly chasing after them.
“Oh what the fuck!” He gasped out. One of the smaller skeletal vehicles raced up ahead as he saw a skeletal trumpeter on it blaring some ear piercing tune. “That’s impossible! You guys are cheating!” He yelled over at them even as every skelton aboard the undead machine flipped him off.
“Doot doot motherfucker!” One of the more well armored skeletons simply screamed back at him as they started to jump across to board their ride. The trio had to quickly try and fend off the attackers from their already precarious seats.
“How can a skeleton even play trumpet! You don’t have lips!” Steve screamed as the skeletal minstrel jumped across and played trumpet in his face even as he chopped the skeleton’s legs off at the knees sending the upper body tumbling off the side. Thankfully with the speed Fenrina was going across the desert all they really had to do was shove them back off the sides and they’d be smashed to bits from the impact.
Yet the reanimated bones didn’t seem to have any issues with suicidally trying to ram their new bone-mobiles into the DOOM engine. Thankfully Steve had made his SAFFECSPM to be sturdy, though he was quickly making notes about what to add for the next version. Like something to strap him into his seat as the impacts from the skeletal riders would nearly knock him off the front and off the side. “Fenrina ram back!” Steve called out to her, but as she swerved to hit one of the bone-mobiles all the skeletons atop it just jumped over onto their ride. “New plan! Don’t do that!”
“Haha! Death to the fleshy bois! Fuck flesh!” One of the skeletons cried out as he tried to decapitate Steve with an old sickle sword. Though Steve got his own sword up to parry the attack.
“Yeah death to the fleshy bois! And… whatever this furry one is! Fuck the furry!” Another skeleton yelled as he tried to stab Fenrina with a spear, but she just grabbed the spear and used it to fling the skeleton off the engine.
“Larry insists you don’t use that term. It doesn’t mean what you think it does!” The dwarf advised even as he smashed apart another skeleton with his hammer as it tried to jump across.
“Why what does it mean?” Fenrina asked with a frown.
“Yeah, fleshy boi! What’s it mean?” The skeleton from earlier asked before Steve quickly conjured a large stone fish to smash him apart.
“Larry does not wish to explain right now. Larry simply… knows things that would suggest you don’t use that term.” The dwarf gave the others an odd look and Steve frowned a moment before narrowly ducking to avoid an arrow shot at them from a nearby bone-mobile.
“Larry do we want to know?” He asked and the dwarf just shook his head. “I swear you’re worse than bards sometimes…” Steve muttered even as he began to fast a fireball to lob back at the skeleton archers.
“Yeah well I’m tired of fighting all these boney bois and getting nothing to eat!” Fenrina growled out and as two of the skeletal vehicles pulled up alongside she yanked on the brake, making Steve let out a startled squeal and nearly roll off the front of the engine and into the grinder, but he caught himself on the edge. The two skeletal vehicles though smashed into each other in a mass eruption of bones which Fenrina then drove through, snagging a wayward femur in her mouth. “Mmhgnrnrng… uch etter…”
“Damnit Fenrina! Can you stop thinking about food for two seconds and focus!” Steve yelled and scrambled to pull himself back into his seat.
“‘Ere ‘e goi’ ‘nywa?” She asked as she kept chewing on the femur, causing little sparks to sizzle around her teeth.
“Uh…” Steve looked forward across the desert as he saw a massive lightning bolt from some cliffs ahead and the clouds began to grow impossibly dark. “Yeah my bet is that way.”
“Also ‘at ‘o I ‘o if ‘I ‘ee’ a ‘ig ‘orado ‘ats s’arkly?” She asked, refusing to give up her snack.
“What do you do if you see a big tornado that’s all sparkly? I don’t know… why do you ask?” Steve was watching Fenrina as he pulled himself back into his seat and then saw her point past him. When he looked back he saw an absolutely massive sand tornado crackling with purple lightning. “Oh for fuck’s sake! Stop asking questions like that Fenrina!”
“Hat? It ‘ot’ ‘I ‘ault!” She huffed.
“I swear it somehow is!” Steve hissed. “Get away from it! Towards the cliffs!” He pointed towards the beam in the sky pulling in more and more dark clouds. But as they got closer to the cliff he saw a tide of skeletons riding an entire fleet of bone-mobiles out towards them. “Never mind! Towards the tornado! Towards the tornado!” He screamed as he waved towards the tornado. Fenrina veered off towards the swirling vortex of sand and lightning as Steven feverishly pulled reagents from his pouches and frantically etched runes into the hood.
Even as they approached the massive storm the skeletons were overtaking them. Sherry had summoned her bone wings and was using them to operate a massive flaming bow to smash apart approaching riders with spear sized flaming bolts, and Larry was tossing holy orbs up into the air before using his hammer like a bat to smack them at the oncoming horde. It was still going to be extremely close as the tornado bore down upon them and the tide of skeletons grew ever closer. “Larry!” Steve screamed to be heard over the howling wind. “Bubble us!”
“Larry would have to use up a lot of energy to shield us all! Plus Larry does not appreciate the divine protection being called a bubble!” The dwarf protested, taking a momentary break from lobbing the holy bombs at the skeletons.
“Larry so help me you will bubble us all right now or I’ll tell the Archon what you did in the faculty lounge!” Steve screamed back. The dwarf went wide eyed a moment and set his hands on the engine before a golden sphere shimmered around them just as several of the bone-mobiles smashed into them. Thankfully with the bubble up they were instead blasted apart instead, and Fenrina was free to drive them straight into the vortex.
As the sand and lightning swept over them the bubble crackled and broke apart quickly, but Steve already had his hands up in the air and was shouting out virtually every protective weather ward he knew to create a break in the wind for them barrel through as the storm overtook Scott’s army and began to tear them apart. Steve could feel the drain of energy from shielding them as they thankfully burst out of the sand into the eye of the storm.
Yet even as the sky above them was clear and blue they suddenly saw several more vehicles ahead of them. Except they weren’t the bone-mobiles. They seemed to be made of rusty metal, and several were completely covered in spikes, plus their wheels were very small and made of some material Steve didn’t recognize at all. Not to mention instead of angry undead skeletons they seemed to be crewed by humans wearing bits of strange spiker armor that Steve also didn’t recognize. It didn’t seem like metal.
“Wha? Where did these guys come from?” Steve frowned in confusion. Before he could even try and call out to them one of the spiked vehicles saw him and a rider lobbed a spear at them which exploded just as it hit the sand. More of the rides howled out as he saw them grab at their crotches for some reason and wiggle their tongues in the air. “Okay they’re not friendly.” He growled and quickly lobbed a fireball right back, igniting the vehicle as it exploded in a shower of metal spikes that Fenrina had to dodge.
Several of the spiked hostile rides began to veer off towards him but a sleek black vehicle at the front dropped back and slammed into one, making it spin out and flip over a dune as the riders were tossed screaming into the storm as it moved. Forcing many of the others to drop back as they chased after them. “Oi you beautiful cunt!” Steve frowned as the rider of the sleek black machine came up next to him. Unlike the strange spiked armor the others wore this one was in black leather armor that was a little odd, but still something he was more familiar with.
“What!” Steve called back, unsure about the insult.
“Yeah! Thanks cunt! These mad mates been on me since a piss up in woop woop last night. Fuckin’ hoons ‘mirite?” The rider called back.
“What?” Was all Steve could respond with.
“Oi! Is that a Sheila dingo with tits drivin yer claptrap? Now that’s a bloody awesome mutant it is!” The black clad driver continued.
“What!?” Steve echoed from before, entirely confused.
“Right cunt! ‘Moff to the bottle-o! Hoo roo!” The driver called out before driving into the wall of sand ahead of them.
“I am so lost.” Steve muttered before raising his hands to chant out more wards as Fenrina took them back through the vortex of sand and lightning. This time as they neared the end his arms were truly getting tired and when they burst back out into the sun he let out a relieved gasp and sagged back down into his seat. Fenrina was taking them straight towards the cliff the shadows were growing out of but he didn’t see any more skeletons just yet so he used the time to catch his breath.
“Sherry… did that guy sound like a Drow to you?” Steve asked as he glanced back at the demon.
“You know more about them then me.” She replied with a shrug. “Also why were those other guys all wearing assless chaps?”
“Were they?” Steve frowned. “I think I was focused on other things.” He shook his head slowly and grabbed a rejuvenation potion off his belt as Sherry entered a narrow crack in the cliffs towards the shadow light on the far end. “Alright… uh… maybe slow it down a bit.” Steve urged Fenrina as they sped through the rocky walls with very little room on either side.
“Sure thing!” Fenrina called out, apparently done with her femur at some point. However right after that Steve heard a snap and Fenrina reached forward to hand him a stick. “Hey, can you hold onto this for me?” She asked.
Steve took the lever and looked at it in his hands a moment before realizing what it was. “Fenrina! This is the brake lever!”
“Yeah. It broke.” She replied and then took her hands off the wheel to give him a big shrug as her tongue dangled from her mouth.
“Damnit Fenrina.” Steve sighed, but before he could do anything else they exited the small canyon and came into a clearing with a rather steep drop off as the SAFFECSPM was launched off it into a pit below. The members of DOOM cried out and tumbled off the machine as it plummeted. Thankfully Sherry was quick to get her bone wings out and grab Steve while Fenrina grabbed onto Larry as the dwarf frantically cast another bubble around them so they’d bounce off the ground and roll to a stop while Sherry brought Steve down in a mostly controlled descent as they all landed around the wreckage of Steve’s machine.
“My my my… you really are a tenacious shit sucker.” Steve looked around as he heard that voice and saw Scott standing above them upon a rather short pyramid.
“Is this your pyramid Scott? It’s… a little small.” Steve called back.
“It’s not about the size of the pyramid but how you use it!” Scott screamed back. Around them Steve saw more skeletal warriors start to rush forward from around the pyramid.
“We’ve just got done destroying entire legions of your shitty warriors! What’s a few more?” Steve called up to Scott only to see larger skeletons start to rush out of the pyramid itself. Their armor and weapons obviously superior to the lesser skeletons they’d been fighting. “Well, fine! The more the merrier!” He continued even as black lightning struck the ground and ten foot tall half jackal half human mummies began to burst out of the ground. “I uh… I still think… we’ve got this.” He muttered at the end.
“Do you? Do you really?” Scott asked as the ground around them began to rumble. Besides the pyramid the ground began to shift as sand fell away to reveal an absolutely massive snake rising up. Then the ground around them shifted as Steve realized much of the ground around them was just the coiled tail of this gargantuan snake.
“That… that is… that is a very very big snake.” Steve muttered as he watched it rise up, clad in a rather dazzling jeweled headpiece that constituted the complete output of at least one gold mine, and the centerpiece was a ruby the size of Larry.
“Your pathetic struggle ends here fool!” Scott called back at the snake’s massive forked tongue flicked out a moment and its maw started to open.
“You’re such a dick Scott.” Steve huffed.
“Yes. I’m the king of the dicks! No one is more dick than I! Scott!” The skeleton replied with a maniacal cackle as shadow lightning struck behind him to create an inverse flash of light to highlight his malevolence.
“But you still haven’t found your actual dick I see.” Steve waved at the skeleton’s crotch. “You… dickless wonder!”
“No… That miserable bastard of mine Eddy… I don’t know what he did with it! Him and that treacherous vizier Sigmund. They had the creepiest ideas about mothers.” The skeleton shuddered for a moment and then waved a hand. “But enough of this mindless prattle! You die now and shall be nothing more than snake shit soon! Strike my servant!” He called as the snake hissed out and rose up.
“Hold on I got this.” Sherry said to Steve’s surprise and pushed him aside to step closer to the snake. Her own forked tongue flicked out and she began to hiss at the massive snake. “Hiisss. Hiss hiss hiiisss. Hiss hissss hisss hiss?”
The snake stopped then and seemed to wriggle a moment as it… blushed? “HISSSS HISS HISSS HISSSSS HIIIISSISISS.”
“What is this?” Scott demanded to know even as the two started to talk.
“Snake tongue.” Steve replied.
“I didn’t mean what language you insufferable turd!” Scott yelled back. Meanwhile the snake and Sherry kept talking.
“Hisss hiss hiss hisss. Hhissisiss? Hiss hiss.” Sherry said with an exaggerated toss of her hair.
“HISSS HISS HIIISS HISSSISIS. HISS.” The massive snake rolled its eyes and gave Scott a look even as Sherry gave Steve a similar look that made him squirm.
“The judgement I feel is somehow worse than being eaten by that giant snake.” He muttered.
“Stop dithering about whelp! I command you to eat them! Eat them right now! Do your fucking job and obey me!” The opulently decorated skeleton began to jump up and down as he screamed. This just made the big snake give Sherry a knowing look.
“HISS. HISSS HISSSS HIIIISS. HIISSISIS.” It said as Sherry then laughed and waved a hand.
“Hiiisss! Hisss hiss hiss.” With that the big snake rose up and started to slither out of the canyon that Fenrina had just drove them down to leave the clearing.
“Stop! I fucking order you to stop! Get back here you insolent upsized worm! I’ll have you made into boots for my entire army! Get back here right fucking now!” He screamed but the snake just slithered off into the desert leaving them in a now emptier clearing with the short pyramid at the center. Though this did help highlight just how many hundreds of regular skeletons were still around them, dozens of the elite guard, and twenty or so of the big jackalpeople mummies.
“I guess dick’s just don’t know how to talk to ladies.” Steve joked as the others chuckled.
“Forget this fucking foreplay!” Scott called out and pointed a jeweled scepter at them. “I’m still king dick here! Even if I have to track down that traitor and skin her later you won’t be more than a fleshy lump once my warriors are done eviscerating you! There’s four against an army! Was this your plan you festering maggot!?”
“Uh… No. My plan… was…” Steve floundered a moment as he tried to think of what to say. But then against the dark sky above them he saw a green light. When he looked up a massive sphere was hurtling through the air towards them. “Hah! That was my plan dickwad! Behold! The Orb of Donelaps! Eh… why is it all fuzzy?” He wondered for a moment, somewhat stealing his own thunder as the now fuzzy green orb smashed into the ground behind much of the skeletal army.
The fuzz became readily apparent however as the sphere poured open to reveal hundreds of cheering werehusky barbarians who came charging out with all manner of weapon at hand. A mighty battlecry rose up from their ranks and echoed out all around them as they descended upon the unprepared skeletons. “Fooooood!”
“Yeah! Food!” Fenrina cried out as she pumped her sword in the air.
“Why am I not surprised?” Steve asked with a roll of his eyes as the barbarians clashed with the skeletons and mostly focused on ripping them apart to chew on their many bones.
“Steve we’ve still got most of an army between them and us.” Sherry reminded him and he looked around as the ten foot tall jackalpeople mummies closed in.
“Oh shit right.” They backed up against the wreckage of his SAFFECSPM and prepared to fend off the attackers as he yelled up at Scott. “Are you not going to face me yourself Scott? Man to man?”
“No!” The skeleton called back immediately.
“What? Why not!” Steve yelled back.
“Because I’m a dick! How do you not get this?!” The skeleton shrugged as he looked back down on them.
“Oh yeah! Well you might change your mind when you realize you can’t do this!” Steve called out and flipped Scott off.
“Yes I can!” Scott quickly extended a hand to flip Steve off in return.
“Uh… let's try that again. You can’t do this!” Steve now extended both hands to give Scott the double bird.
“This is getting tiresome.” The skeletal king sighed and then set his scepter into a stand so he could double bird Steve in return, only to discover his missing finger. “What! How dare you abscond with my second favorite finger!”
“Yeah! I bet you’d like to demonstrate how you feel with your hands! Except you can’t!” Steve taunted as he waved Scott’s finger at him.
“Murder him and retrieve my finger! I’m coming down there!” Scott screamed and began to stomp down the pyramid towards them.
“Alright guys! If we work together we can-” Steve started only to be jostled as Fenrina bounced off him and then leapt at the nearest mummy as she swiped across his chest, landing besides him and driving her blade into his knee before twisting the blade to pop the mummified leg apart and then spinning away to start attacking the next one.
“Sorry Steve already busy!” She called out as he stood there.
“Fuck… I didn’t teach her… any of that.” He muttered and then looked up as one of the ten foot tall mummies approached him. “Right right… I’ve got this…” He muttered and tried to think about not only what he could cast, but what might work. He’d been going through his supplies alarmingly quickly so far.
“I uh…” The mummy stomped closer as it raised a massive sickle above him. “Uhhhh uhh.. I cast rock!” He slapped together some ingredients and then tossed a pebble at the mummy which bounced off its head. The mummy actually stopped and seemed to give him a confused look. “I cast bigger rock!” Steve shouted and rubbed his hands with the remains of the ingredients and pointed at the mummy as a boulder flew out of the sky and smashed mummy’s skull off completely.
“Hah! I got one guys!” Even as he looked over Fenrina was somehow dueling three of the mummies all at the same time, parrying blows with her sword and shield as she deftly kicked, bashed, and stabbed them in return. Sherry was using her bonewing bow once more to impale mummies and Scott’s elite guard. Larry had initiated a holy poetry slam as he hurled divine insults about how ugly the mummies were to crush their spirits, just before he used his hammer to crush their bones for good measure. “Seriously? When did I become the slacker? When did this happen?” Steve asked no one.
“Shitsucker!” Steve looked back and let out a rather unmanly squeal of surprise as he narrowly leaned out of the way of a blast of green energy from the magical staff the skeletal king held. “You die now!” Scott called out and began to wave his hands to no doubt follow up with a spell.
“Hah! Eat disintegration!” Steve yelled back and grabbed the last of his prepared reagent pouches as he cast the words and fired back at Scott with a golden beam of pure energy before the skeleton could react. However the entire beam just seemed to course around the skeleton as shadowy orbs appeared to deflect the magic. “Uh… well… That was the last of the spells I had planned for today… If you could just… wait for my team to finish up…” Steve suggested and to his surprise Scott stopped casting.
“Oh sure.” He nodded.
“Really?” Steve asked in surprise.
“NO!” Scott screamed and raised his hands as a series of shadow bolts began to fly out towards Steve, making him curse and fling himself around to very narrowly avoid getting impaled. Once the cascade of bolts was over Scott began to cast once more but Steve just tossed his finger at him.
“Here! Take it!” He hollered and backed up as Scott grabbed the finger.
“Yes! Now I can properly flip off children with both hands!” Scott cackled a moment but his cackling was cut short as the finger began to sizzle. “Wait… No!” At the last moment the skeleton reached to grab his arm but it was too late as the finger erupted in a pulse of energy that knocked Scott flat. The shadowy bubbles around him shimmered before they vanished with a distinct POP.
“Huh… I don’t know what I expected… but that wasn’t it.” Steve muttered.
“Alright! Steve! You did it! How do you like that Scott? Steve fingerbanged the shit out of you!” Fenrina called out as she cleaved through the last of the mummies.
“Ugh.” Steve groaned.
“Uuugghh… your dog is disgusting.” Scott muttered as he began to get up.
“Yeah she is at times.” Steve nodded.
“Why won’t anyone tell me what it means!? OOoooo I wanna knoooow!” Fenrina wailed with a howl.
“Anyway it’s you and me now Scott! Man against skeleton!” Steve grinned and charged forward as he hauled off and punched Scott in the face, making the skeleton’s head spin around wildly. “How ya like that! No more magic! Just punching!”
“Yeah Steve fist him good!” Fenrina encouraged as she began to bound over.
“Oh for fuck’s sake… Please just… stop.” Steve groaned out and tried to focus on punching Scott’s spinning skull once more. But this time as he tried he gasped in pain as Scott’s teeth clamped around his knuckles. “Aaahhh! Oowww! OW! Stop it!” He tried to pry his hand free of Scott’s mouth but the skeleton growled and chewed harder for a moment until finally letting go. Steve staggered back clutching his now bloody hand.
“What’s wrong Steve? Didn’t know I was a biter?!” Scott asked with a cackle. By now Fenrina had charged over, but to his surprise when she swung to smash Scott apart with her sword the skeleton parried the blow with his arm. Every blow she swun was parried by the one armed skeleton as she even tried to shield bash, and kick only to be countered at every turn. “Fools! I am a warrior king! I’m more than just magic! Even my bones have been enchanted! Nothing you wield can harm me!” Rolling past Fenrina Scott plucked his staff up from the ground and spun it around before smashing it into the werehusky, sending her flying in a burst of magic energy as shs slammed into the side of the SAFFECSPM with a howl.
Steve looked around a moment in desperation and found Scott’s other arm that had been blown free by the fingerbanging earlier. Picking it up he wielded it like a flail and charged at the skeleton who was leveling his staff at Fenrina. Steve lashed out with the arm to slap Scott with it, knocking the skeleton aside and causing his magical bolts to fly wildly into the air. “Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!” Steve began to chant then as he slapped Scott with his own arm, knocking the villain back step by step, getting him closer to the front of the engine.
“Motherless-” Scott began to hiss even as Steve slapped him across the face once more. But the king had enough as he slammed his staff into the ground and Steve was sent flying back with an energy pulse. “Enough!” Scott bellowed.
“That’s what you think!” Sherry called out as a fire spear shot through Scott’s ribs. But the skeleton just stood there entirely unimpressed.
“Oh no. Fire. What is it going to do? Burn me to the bone?” He asked and snapped the spear apart to toss it aside.
“Larry! We need divine magic here!” Sherry called out but the air around them flickered and grew… not exactly dark… but not exactly light. It was… moody. Nicely so. Steve slowly picked himself up and looked over as he and Sherry both saw the dwarf sitting on a rock a little ways away with some candles out, drinking from his waterskin. “What… Is he?” Sherry started.
“Larry! Did you just use the last of your magic to have a fucking wine break?!” Steve shouted at the dwarf who just held up a finger and kept upending his entire waterskin having turned it into wine. “Fucking healer’s union and their mandatory breaks!” Steve hissed.
“It doesn’t matter.” Sherry called out and pointed behind Scott as the army of barbarian werehuskies got closer, tearing apart the skeletons with ease. “You’re done Scott.”
“A dick isn’t done until there’s nothing left!” Scott screamed back and drove his staff into the ground. “It might take me a thousand years but I can dig myself out eventually! Can you?!” He asked as the cliffs all around them began to shake and rumble. The shadowlighting from the dark sky coursing out and striking at the rocks as it became clear he planned to bury everyone here with him.
Fenrina slowly pulled herself up besides the machine then and raised a hand. “Steve! Bone me!”
“Ugghh…” Steve groaned.
“Uuuugghhh…” Sherry shuddered.
Larry just kept drinking wine.
“Okay… even I think that was especially crass.” Scott sighed.
“What? Why are you all…” Fenrina looked confused and waved her hand. “Steve! The bone! In your hand! Throw it to me! BONE ME!”
“Oh. OH!” Steve hastily reached back and hurled the arm towards her. Scott tried to reach up and grab it but it just cleared his fingers allowing Fenrina to snatch it out of the sky and shove it into the grinder at the front of the engine. The whole thing crackled as Scott’s extremely potent fossilized remains sent a surge of energy through it and the wreckage of Steve’s machine drove forward.
“Noooo!” Scott screamed out just before the grinder slammed into him, but the wreck was halted against the staff stuck into the ground. The engine shuddered and sparks rose up around it as it was filled with energy.
[Continued in Comments]

Greetings, /Tucson! It's the OCTOBER 2016 HALLOWEEN edition of the Stuff to Do thread! There's SO MUCH to do this month in town!
Use this sticky to collect general stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in October. You can still start new posts about an event, especially if you need help planning something. This will just serve as an easy reference. (PLEASE NOTE: You CANNOT start a new post if you are self-promoting, or if you are somehow related to the person(s) that stand to profit from said event. This is considered spam by reddit. Don't do it.)
Comment with the details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in and I'll update the text of the main post so people can easily see what's going on.
Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming gig (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
SEPTEMBER 29
Dueling Pianos - at Site 17, 840 E 17th St - doors 6PM/show 7PM-9PM - $50 - see website for tix
SEPTEMBER 30

• Pride on Parade - 4th Ave at 2nd St - 7PM-8PM
  
• World Margarita Championship - at The Westin La Paloma Resort - 6PM - $55/person - 21+ - see website for tix
  
• Vamos A Tucson Mexican Baseball Fiesta - Kino Stadium - Box Seats – $15/General Admission (Adult) – $10/Children (6-16), Seniors 55+, Military & Students (with ID) – $6 - see website for tix
  

ONGOING THROUGH OCTOBER
THROUGH OCTOBER 9
Mt. Lemmon's Oktoberfest - 10300 Ski Run Rd. - see website for more info
THURSDAYS THRU SUNDAYS (and Halloween Night)
Nightfall Tucson - at Old Tucson - adults 12+ $28 / children 9-11 $21 (lots of discounts available, see website for more info)
EVERY WEEKEND IN OCTOBER

• Apple Annie's Pumpkins, Hayrides, and Corn Maze - see website for details
  
• Valley of the Moon's Halloween Fundraiser - 2544 E Allen Rd - Tickets: $10/Students: $5/Members and Kids under 7: FREE - see website for times and tix
  

VARIOUS DATES THROUGH OCTOBER
Buckelew Farms Corn Maze & Terror In The Corn - see website for dates, prices, and discount nights
SEPTEMBER 30 - OCTOBER 2
RinCon 2016 - at Sheraton Tucson Hotel and Suites - 5151 East Grant Rd - see website for daily schedule and more info
OCTOBER 1

• Pride in the Park - at Reid Park - 12PM-sunset - $10 online tix/$12 at gate/$10 for students, seniors & military/Kids 12 and under are free
  
• 30th Annual Great Tucson Beer Festival - at Kino Sports North Complex - 6PM-10PM - see website for tix - 21+
  
• Tucson Historic Fencing Club Beginner's Day - at Udall Park - 8AM-11AM - look for the folks in orange shirts
  
• Locomotive Saturdays (thru 12/17) - At Locomotive #1673, 414 N. Toole Ave - 10AM-1PM - free
  

OCTOBER 1 & 2

• Tucson Reptile & Amphibian Show - at Tucson Expo Center - Adults $10/Kids 5-12 $5/Under 5 Free
  
• Vamos A Tucson Mexican Baseball Fiesta - Kino Stadium - Box Seats – $15/General Admission (Adult) – $10/Children (6-16), Seniors 55+, Military & Students (with ID) – $6 - see website for tix
  

OCTOBER 4

• Comedian Shane Mauss Good Trip Tour - at Borderlands Brewing - see site for more info
  
• Tuesday Night Classics: The Lost Boys - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  

OCTOBER 7
Oktoberfest at Traildust Town - 6541 E. Tanque Verde - 5PM-10PM - pricing TBD
OCTOBER 7-9
Tucson Meet Yourself - downtown Tucson - see website for hours and locations
OCTOBER 8

• Foam N’ Glow Tucson - at the TCC - 7PM
  
• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Locomotive Saturdays - At Locomotive #1673, 414 N. Toole Ave - 10AM-1PM - free
  

OCTOBER 11
Tuesday Night Classics: Silence of the Lambs - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
OCTOBER 14
ZOOcson 2016 - 6PM-9PM - $120 Per Person/$90 Per Zoo Member - 21+
OCTOBER 15

• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  
• Locomotive Saturdays - At Locomotive #1673, 414 N. Toole Ave - 10AM-1PM - free
  

OCTOBER 14 & 15
Viva La Naughty! - at Unscrewed Theater - 3244 E Speedway Blvd - 9PM - $10
OCTOBER 16

• Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: Annual Swap & Shop - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
  
• Wildcat Fencing Tournament - UA campus/Ina Gittings Gym - 10:30AM-3:30PM - open and free to public to spectate
  

OCTOBER 17
Eric Hutchinson Live - at Club Congress - $20 - doors 6PM - 16+
OCTOBER 18
Tuesday Night Classics: Aliens - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
OCTOBER 20-23
Film Fest Tucson - see website for full schedule of events
OCTOBER 21
The Planets on the Big Screen | Tucson Symphony Orchestra - at the Tucson Music Hall - 7:30PM
OCTOBER 22

• Dusk Music Festival - at Rillito Downs park - see site for more info
  
• BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
  
• Club Carnaval Brazilian Party - at Club Congress - $8/$10 - 7PM - 21+
  
• Locomotive Saturdays - At Locomotive #1673, 414 N. Toole Ave - 10AM-1PM - free
  

OCTOBER 22-23

• Oktoberfest at Casino del Sol - Located on the Pool lawn - Sat from 12PM-10PM/Sun from 12PM-5PM - see website for tix - 21+
  
• Open Studio Tours (West/NW) - various locations - 11AM-5PM - free - see website for list of artists/studios
  

OCTOBER 23
The Planets on the Big Screen | Tucson Symphony Orchestra - at the Tucson Music Hall - 2PM
OCTOBER 25
Tuesday Night Classics: Halloween (1978) - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
OCTOBER 28

• Nightmare on Congress Street - 7:30PM - $8 - see website for tix - 21+
  
• Howl-O-Ween at Reid Park Zoo - 6PM-8PM - $9.50 for all ages (except infants who are not trick or treating)/$7.50 for Zoo Members - see website for tix
  
• Spooky Kids Halloween on 4th Ave
  

OCTOBER 28 & 29
Chiles, Chocolate, & Day of the Dead Festival - at Tohono Chul Park - 9AM-4PM - $5 members/$15 general public/children 12 and under are free
OCTOBER 29

• Haunted History of Fort Lowell - at the Fort Lowell History Museum - 11AM-3PM - free - all ages
  
• Halloween In The Wild - at the International Wildlife Museum - 5PM-7PM - admission pricing - all ages
  
• University of Arizona Homecoming - at UA Mall - time TBD
  
• Locomotive Saturdays - At Locomotive #1673, 414 N. Toole Ave - 10AM-1PM - free
  

OCTOBER 29 & 30
Open Studio Tours (Midtown/Central Tucson) - various locations - 11AM-5PM - free - see website for list of artists/studios
OCTOBER 30

• Halloween "Be Kind" Bash - at Trail Dust Town and Golf n Stuff - 4PM-7PM - $12 - all ages
  
• Cyclovia - Miramonte to The Garden District - 10AM-3PM
  

OCTOBER 31
Halloween Night Dance Party at Club Congress - $8/$10 - 8PM
RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Dante's Fire - 8:00 PM / Public Brewhouse - 7:30 PM / Sir Veza's Taco Garage - 7:00 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM / Frog and Firkin - 8:00 PM / Brew of A Sports Grill (Formerly Schrier's Sports Grill) - 7:00 PM
  
• Wednesday - The Auld Dubliner - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM
  
• Thursday - Aloft Tucson University - 7:30 PM (Starts Sept 4th) / Bumsted's - 8:00 PM / The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  
• Sunday - Trident Grill II - 7:00 PM (Starts Sunday, May 15th)
  

MONDAYS
Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
TUESDAYS

• Tucson Blues Dancers - at The Movement Shala on 435 E. 9th St - 7PM - free hour long lesson followed by 2.5hrs of social dance
  
• Retro Room Board Game Nights - 337 E. Fort Lowell - 6PM
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• Video Game/$2.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  
• Open mic at Delectables - 7PM-11PM
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Twilight Thursdays at Tucson Botanical Gardens - 5PM-8PM - $9 Adults/$5 Children
  
• Gallery Row ArtWalk - 3001 E. Skyline Dr - free
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  

FRIDAYS
Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
SATURDAYS

• Board Game Meetup - at Tucson Games & Gadget - 1PM
  
• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  
• Saturday Nights at La Cocina w/ DJ Herm - La Cocina - 201 N. Court Ave. - 10PM - $3
  

SUNDAYS

• Amtgard/Obsidian Gate, full-contact LARP group, weekly meet - at Joaquin Murietta Park - noon
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 4PM
  

Hello to all the fine folks of /Tucson! It's the AUGUST 2017 edition of the Stuff to Do thread!
Use this sticky to collect stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in AUGUST. All events must go in this thread and not in the main sub.
Comment with details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in.
Please make sure comments are written as follows, to keep them consistent and easy to read:

• WHAT
  
• WHEN (date and time)
  
• WHERE (no residential locations)
  
• SPECIFICS (cost, age reqs, etc.)
  

Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming show (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
AUGUST 1
Video Game Night/Kirby's Dream Band - at the Hut - 9PM - $3.50 you-call-it drinks - 21+
AUGUST 3

• First Thursdays at Madaras Gallery - 3035 N. Swan Rd - 5PM-7PM
  
• Matchbox Twenty Live in Concert - Casino del Sol's AVA Amphitheater - 8PM - $35-$99
  

AUGUST 4

• Movies in the Park - Reid Park Demeester Outdoor Performance Center - activities begin 6PM/movie around 7:45PM - free admission - all ages
  
• First Fridays at Arizona History Museum - Father Kino: Journey to Discovery - 6PM - discounted admission 4PM-8PM, program free with admission
  
• Friday Night Live! at Main Gate Square - 7:30PM - free
  
• 6th Annual House Rockin' Blues Review - El Casino Ballroom - 437 E. 26th St - 7:30PM-10:30PM - $15-$20
  

AUGUST 5

• ARTivity at Sonoran Glass School - 10AM-2PM - free activities and other activities for additional $3-$10 - all ages
  
• 4th Annual Tucson Michelada Challenge - Tucson Convention Center - 6PM-10PM - $25-$65
  
• Cool Summer Nights: Full Moon Festival - at AZ-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM - regular admission rates
  

AUGUST 8
Dancing with the Stars: Live! - Hot Summer - at Tucson Music Hall - 7PM - $46-$238+
AUGUST 10
RuPaul’s Drag Race Contestants LIVE! WAR ON THE CATWALK - at Fox Tucson Theatre - doors 7PM/show 8PM - $20 – $55 - all ages
AUGUST 11
Classic Films at the Temple: The Godfather - at the Temple of Music and Art - 7:30PM - $10
AUGUST 12

• Retro Game Show Night Presents Sassword hosted by Tempest DuJour - at Hotel Congress - doors 6PM/show 7PM
  
• Metal Fest X - at The Rialto Theatre - Doors 6:30PM/Show 7PM - $5-$8 - all ages
  
• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Cool Summer Nights: Creatures of the Night - at AZ-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM - regular admission rates
  

AUGUST 12-13

• The Return of the Mermaids - 4th Ave. & downtown - free - kid friendly until 9PM
  
• Friends of the Pima County Library Community Sale - 2230 N Country Club Rd - 8AM-12PM
  

AUGUST 13
Meet + Sing + Join! Reveille Men's Chorus Season 23 Kick-Off Party - at Hotel Congress - 6PM-9PM
AUGUST 18
Friday Night Live! at Main Gate Square - 7:30PM - free
AUGUST 19

• AZ-Sonora Desert Museum's Teacher Appreciation Night sponsored by TEP - at AZ-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM - preK -12 teachers admitted for free with ID
  
• Bacon, Blues & Brews - at Brother John's - 1801 N. Stone Ave. - 3PM-6PM - $20
  

AUGUST 20
Tucson's Birthday Celebration at Mission Garden - 946 W. Mission Ln - 4:30PM-6:30PM - adults $40/kids under 12 $12
AUGUST 26

• Achievement Unlocked: 3D Printing - Hosted by Oro Valley Public Library - 1305 W Naranja Dr. - 10AM-2PM - free
  
• Nature PLAY! at Reid Park Zoo - 8:30AM-11:30AM - activities free with zoo admission
  
• Beat The Heat Sangria & Salsa Festival - at Tucson Arena - 3PM-9PM - $15-$25+fees - 21+
  
• Cool Summer Nights: Creatures of the Night - at AZ-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM - regular admission rates
  

AUGUST 26-27
Space Night 2017 - at Children's Museum Tucson - 6PM Saturday thru 9AM Sunday - $50 per person/$45 per person for members - adults and kids 4-12
AUGUST 29
Pink Martini - at Centennial Hall - doors 7PM/show 8PM - $40-$95 - all ages
AUGUST 30 - SEPT 3
HOCO Fest - at Hotel Congress - $15-$125 - see website for details
RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Public Brewhouse - 7:30 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM
  
• Wednesday - Gentle Ben's Brewing Co - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM / Arizona Beer House - 7:00PM
  
• Thursday - The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  
• Sunday - Aloft Tucson - 7:30PM
  

DAILY:
MONDAYS
Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
TUESDAYS

• Tucson Historic Fencing Club's Practice - at 252 S Plumer Ave. - 5PM
  
• Tucson Blues Dancers - at The Movement Shala on 435 E. 9th St - 7PM - free hour long lesson followed by 2.5hrs of social dance
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• $3.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Tucson Historic Fencing Club's Practice - at 252 S Plumer Ave. - 5:30PM
  
• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Twilight Thursdays at Tucson Botanical Gardens - 5PM-8PM - $9 Adults/$5 Children
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  

FRIDAYS

• Tucson Historic Fencing Club's Practice - at 252 S Plumer Ave. - 5:30PM
  
• Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
  
• Live Jazz at Pastiche - at Pastiche restaurant - 7PM-10PM - see website for more info and events
  

SATURDAYS

• Board Game Meetup - at Tucson Games & Gadget - 1PM
  
• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  

SUNDAYS

• Live Jazz at Pastiche - at Pastiche restaurant - 7PM-10PM - see website for more info and events
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 10AM
  

Greetings! Happy New Year /Tucson! It's the JANUARY & FEBRUARY 2016 edition of the Stuff to Do thread! I have to consolidate these two months for time issues.
Use this sticky to collect general stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in Jan/Feb. You can still start new posts about an event, especially if you need help planning something. This will just serve as an easy reference. (PLEASE NOTE: You CANNOT start a new post if you are self-promoting, or if you are somehow related to the person(s) that stand to profit from said event. This is considered spam by reddit. Don't do it.)
Comment with the details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in and I'll update the text of the main post so people can easily see what's going on.
Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming gig (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
JANUARY 5
Tuesday Night Classics: Hook - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
JANUARY 7

• Jack Hanna's "Into the Wild Live - at the Fox Theatre - 6:30PM - see website for tix
  
• VAMP Drag Show - at The Surly Wench - 424 N. 4th Ave. - 21+
  
• First Thursday of the month free admission at the Tucson Museum of Art - 140 N. Main Ave. - 5PM-8PM - all ages
  

JANUARY 8-10
The Arizona State Home Show - at the Tucson Convention Center - $8/day - see website for details
JANUARY 9

• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Bike-in Movie Night -Joel D. Valdez Main Library - 101 N Stone Ave. - 5:30PM-7:30PM - free
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Retro Game Night ft. Tempest DuJour - 6PM - $12 - 21+
  
• Tucson Japanese New Year's Mochitsuki - at PCC Downtown - 11AM-3PM - $5/person (cash only), children 5 and under free - all ages
  

JANUARY 10

• Ajia's Sunday Funday - at IBT's - 616 N. 4th Ave. - 2PM
  
• QUEENSRŸCHE - at the Rialto Theatre - doors 6:30PM/show 7:30PM - $27+
  

JANUARY 12
Tuesday Night Classics: Taxi Driver - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
JANUARY 14
Grow Your Own: Seed Saving - Salazar-Ajo Branch Library - 15 W Plaza St, # 179 - 10AM-12PM
JANUARY 15
Château Disco - at The Flycatcher - 340 E. 6th St - 10PM-2AM - $5 - 21+ - RSVP at FB link
JANUARY 15-17
Tucson Fringe Festival - downtown Tucson - see website for schedules and tix
JANUARY 15-18
Friends of the Pima County Public Library Book Sale - 2230 N. Country Club Rd. - 9AM-4PM
JANUARY 16

• Volunteer Opportunity: Plaza Plantar Project Work Party - Joel D. Valdez Main Library - 101 N. Stone - 9AM-10AM
  
• Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: Bonsai Artist Ted Matson Demo - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
  
• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  

JANUARY 19
Tuesday Night Classics: The Warriors - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
JANUARY 22-23
Dillinger Days - at Hotel Congress - see website for both days' schedules
JANUARY 22
Hues 'n' Booze Paint 'n' Sip: Sugar Skulls - at Cafe a la C'Art - 150 N Main Ave. - 6:30PM-8:30PM - $35/person
JANUARY 23

• BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
  
• Tucson Electric Power’s Home Energizer Workshop - at the Reid Park Zoo - 10AM-12PM - free
  

JANUARY 23&24
La Encantada Art Festival - Saturday 10AM-5PM/Sunday 11AM-4PM - free - all ages
JANUARY 25
Brew-Haha Comedy Show - at Ermanos Craft Beer and Wine Bar - 220 N 4th Ave. - 8:30PM
JANUARY 26
Tuesday Night Classics: The Graduate - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
JANUARY 31
Romo Tonight - at The Flycatcher - 9PM - 21+
FEBRUARY 2
Tuesday Night Classics: Groundhog Day - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
FEBRUARY 3-6
Sonoran Glass School Art Schow - 633 W. 18th St. - free
FEBRUARY 4
First Thursday of the month free admission at the Tucson Museum of Art - 140 N. Main Ave. - 5PM-8PM - all ages
FEBRUARY 6

• CESAR MILLAN LIVE! - at The Tucson Music Hall - 7:30PM-9PM - see website for tix
  
• Savor Food and Wine Festival - at Tucson Botanical Gardens - $65/person - see website for tix
  

FEBRUARY 5
Sonoran Glass School's Flame Off 2016 - 633 W. 18th St. - 7PM-11PM - $20/person
FEBRUARY 6

• Lewis Black at Casino del Sol - Casino del Sol conference center - 7PM doors/8PM show - 21+ - see website for tix
  
• Art Safari - at Central Tucson Art Galleries and Studios - 154 E. 6th St. - 6PM
  

FEBRUARY 9
Tuesday Night Classics: When Harry Met Sally - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
FEBRUARY 13

• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Cars and Coffee - Come grab a coffee and look at cool cars - at La Encantada, outside of AJ's - 8AM-11AM (winter hours) - If you have an interesting/cool car, you can bring it and participate
  

FEBRUARY 16
Tuesday Night Classics: The Princess Bride - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
FEBRUARY 18
Zoobiquity by author Barbara Natterson-Horowitz, M.D. - at the Fox Theatre - 5:30PM - free
FEBRUARY 19
Château Disco - at The Flycatcher - 340 E. 6th St - 10PM-2AM - $5 - 21+ - RSVP at FB link
FEBRUARY 20

• Cruise, BBQ & Blues Festival - at the Oro Valley Marketplace (SW corner of Oracle and Tangerine) - 10AM-3PM - $5/person, ages 10 and under are free
  
• FOURTH ANNUAL RIALTO GALA: STAGE DOOR CANTEEN - A SWINGIN' 1940S USO PARTY! - at the Rialto Theatre - doors 5PM/show 5:30PM - $75 - all ages - see website for tix
  
• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  

FEBRUARY 21
Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: Bonsai Artist Ted Matson Demo - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
FEBRUARY 23
Tuesday Night Classics: Breakfast at Tiffany's - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
FEBRUARY 27
BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
FEBRUARY 28
Romo Tonight - at The Flycatcher - 9PM - 21+
RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Dante's Fire - 8:00 PM / NEW Eclipse Sports Grill 7:00 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM / Frog and Firkin - 8:00 PM (Starts Sept 8th)
  
• Wednesday - The Auld Dubliner - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / NEW Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM
  
• Thursday - Aloft Tucson University - 7:30 PM (Starts Sept 4th) / Bumsted's - 8:00 PM / The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  

MONDAYS

• 90s House Party - Hotel Congress - 9PM-2AM - free cover - $0.90 drinks - 21+
  
• Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
  

TUESDAYS

• Tucson Blues Dancers - at the Boondocks Lounge - 3306 N. 1st Ave. - 7PM - free hour long lesson followed by 2.5hrs of social dance
  
• Retro Room Board Game Nights - 337 E. Fort Lowell - 6PM
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• Video Game/$2.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  
• Open mic at Delectables - 7PM-11PM
  
• Taco and Tecate Tuesdays - Hotel Congress - free live music at 9pm/for $5 you get tacos and a Tecate
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Gallery Row ArtWalk - 3001 E. Skyline Dr - free
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  
• Big Brother Beats (Old School Hip Hop, R&B, and Funk) - at R Bar - 9PM-1AM - no cover
  

FRIDAYS
Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
SATURDAYS

• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  
• SATURDAZE Dance Party - Hotel Congress - 10PM - free - 21+
  
• Saturday Nights at La Cocina w/ DJ Herm - La Cocina - 201 N. Court Ave. - 10PM - $3
  

SUNDAYS

• Amtgard/Obsidian Gate, full-contact LARP group, weekly meet - at Joaquin Murietta Park - noon
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 4PM
  

Greetings, /Tucson! It's the AUGUST & SEPTEMBER 2016 edition of the Stuff to Do thread! Both months are combined due to temporary time contraints.
Use this sticky to collect general stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in August and/or September. You can still start new posts about an event, especially if you need help planning something. This will just serve as an easy reference. (PLEASE NOTE: You CANNOT start a new post if you are self-promoting, or if you are somehow related to the person(s) that stand to profit from said event. This is considered spam by reddit. Don't do it.)
Comment with the details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in and I'll update the text of the main post so people can easily see what's going on.
Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming gig (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
JULY 26
Tuesday Night Classics: Footloose - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
JULY 27
Chris Isaak – First Comes the Night Tour - at the Fox Theatre - 7:30PM - $34 and up
JULY 29

• Martina McBride in concert - Desert Diamond Casino's Diamond Center (Sahaurita) - doors 7PM/show 8PM - tickets start at $27.50 - see website for info
  
• Friday Night LIVE! at Main Gate Square - jazz concert in the Geronimo Plaza Courtyard - 7PM - free
  
• Meteor Mania at Kitt Peak - 10PM-3AM - $45/person, $25/kids 8-16 - reservations required - see website for info
  
• Adult Recess Night - at Xtreme Sports and Fitness - 1861 W. Grant Rd. - 8PM - $20 Single/$30 for Two (After July 15th $25 Single/$40 for Two) - 21+ - see website for tix
  

JULY 30
Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Creatures of the Night - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
AUGUST 2
Tuesday Night Classics: Smokey and the Bandit - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
AUGUST 4
First Thursday of the month free admission at the Tucson Museum of Art - 140 N. Main Ave. - 5PM-8PM - all ages
AUGUST 5
Movies in the Park: Frozen - at Reid Park's Demeester Performing Arts Pavilion - 920 S Concert Pl. - movie starts at dusk (7PM-7:30PM) - all ages
AUGUST 6

• Surfpalooza at Club Congress - 6PM-11PM - free show
  
• Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Insect Insanity - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  

AUGUST 9
Tuesday Night Classics: Titanic - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
AUGUST 11
Hues'n'Booze Painting Party: Moonlit Mermaid - at Maynards- 6:30PM-8:30PM - $35/person - see website to register
AUGUST 12
Friday Night LIVE! at Main Gate Square - jazz concert in the Geronimo Plaza Courtyard - 7PM - free
AUGUST 13

• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• *Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Astronomy Night - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  

AUGUST 16
Tuesday Night Classics: Friday - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
AUGUST 19

• Movies in the Park: The Sandlot - at Reid Park's Demeester Performing Arts Pavilion - 920 S Concert Pl. - movie starts at dusk (7PM-7:30PM) - all ages
  
• Lost 80's Live concert - at Casino del Sol's AVA Amphitheater - 8PM - see website for tix
  

AUGUST 20

• Salsa & Tequila Challenge - at La Encantada - $55/person - 21+ - see website for tix
  
• Retro Game Show Night hosted by Tempest DuJour: The Mismatch Game - at Club Congress - doors at 6PM/show at 7PM - $12 - see website for tix
  
• Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Full Moon Festival - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  
• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  

AUGUST 21
Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: “Basics of Fertilizers for Bonsai” by Hector - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
AUGUST 23
Tuesday Night Classics: Predator - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
AUGUST 26

• Alice Cooper in concert - at Casino del Sol's AVA Amphitheater - 8PM - see website for tix
  
• Friday Night LIVE! at Main Gate Square - jazz concert in the Geronimo Plaza Courtyard - 7PM - free
  

AUGUST 27

• BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
  
• Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Teacher Appreciation Night - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  
• The Ultimate Recess: Kids vs Adults - at Xtreme Sports and Fitness - 1861 W. Grant Rd. - 11AM - see FB for info
  

AUGUST 30
Tuesday Night Classics: Funny Girl - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
SEPTEMBER 1
First Thursday of the month free admission at the Tucson Museum of Art - 140 N. Main Ave. - 5PM-8PM - all ages
SEPTEMBER 3
Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Pollinator Night - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
SEPTEMBER 6
Tuesday Night Classics: Dirty Harry - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
SEPTEMBER 10

• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  

SEPTEMBER 13
Tuesday Night Classics: The Money Pit - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
SEPTEMBER 17

• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  
• Born and Brewed: Tucson's Beer Cup - at Hotel Congress - doors 6PM - $15-$50 - 21+ - see website for tix
  

SEPTEMBER 18

• Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: “Yamadori – Collecting Arizona’s Native Trees” by Frank Harris - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
  
• Photo Safari for ages 16+ – African Adventure - at the Reid Park Zoo - 8:30AM-11AM - $40/person
  

SEPTEMBER 20

• Retro Game Show Night hosted by Tempest DuJour: The Mismatch Game - at Club Congress - doors at 6PM/show at 7PM - $12 - see website for tix
  
• Tuesday Night Classics: 2001: A Space Odyssey - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  

SEPTEMBER 24
BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
SEPTEMBER 25
Hank Williams Jr. in concert - at Casino del Sol's AVA Amphitheater - 8PM - see website for tix
SEPTEMBER 24
Lego Robotics Experience - at the Pima Air Museum - kids 8+ w/adult - 1PM-2:30PM - free with paid admission
SEPTEMBER 27
Tuesday Night Classics: My Fair Lady - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
SEPTEMBER 30
World Margarita Championship - at The Westin La Paloma Resort - 6PM - $55/person - 21+ - see website for tix
RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Dante's Fire - 8:00 PM / Public Brewhouse - 7:30 PM / Sir Veza's Taco Garage - 7:00 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM / Frog and Firkin - 8:00 PM / Brew of A Sports Grill (Formerly Schrier's Sports Grill) - 7:00 PM
  
• Wednesday - The Auld Dubliner - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM
  
• Thursday - Aloft Tucson University - 7:30 PM (Starts Sept 4th) / Bumsted's - 8:00 PM / The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  
• Sunday - Trident Grill II - 7:00 PM (Starts Sunday, May 15th)
  

MONDAYS
Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
TUESDAYS

• Tucson Blues Dancers - at the Boondocks Lounge - 3306 N. 1st Ave. - 7PM - free hour long lesson followed by 2.5hrs of social dance
  
• Retro Room Board Game Nights - 337 E. Fort Lowell - 6PM
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• Video Game/$2.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  
• Open mic at Delectables - 7PM-11PM
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Twilight Thursdays at Tucson Botanical Gardens - 5PM-8PM - $9 Adults/$5 Children
  
• Gallery Row ArtWalk - 3001 E. Skyline Dr - free
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  

FRIDAYS
Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
SATURDAYS

• Board Game Meetup - at Tucson Games & Gadget - 1PM
  
• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  
• Saturday Nights at La Cocina w/ DJ Herm - La Cocina - 201 N. Court Ave. - 10PM - $3
  

SUNDAYS

• Amtgard/Obsidian Gate, full-contact LARP group, weekly meet - at Joaquin Murietta Park - noon
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 5PM
  

Greetings! It's the NOVEMBER & DECEMBER 2015 edition of the Stuff to Do in Tucson thread! I have to consolidate these two months for time issues. I will update NYE events soon.
Use this sticky to collect general stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in NovembeDecember. You can still start new posts about an event, especially if you need help planning something. This will just serve as an easy reference. You CANNOT start a new post if you are self-promoting, or if you are somehow related to the person(s) that stand to profit from said event. This is considered spam by reddit. Don't do it.
Comment with the details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in and I'll update the text of the main post so people can easily see what's going on.
Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming gig (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
NOVEMBER 1
Cyclovia - Midtown - 10AM-3PM - see website for route and info
NOVEMBER 3
Tuesday Night Classics: Three Amigos - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
NOVEMBER 6-8
8th Annual Tucson Comic Con - Tucson Convention Center - admission $10+ (kids 12 & under are free)
NOVEMBER 7

• Hues 'n' Booze Paint 'n' Sip: Sugar Skulls - at Borderlands Brewing - 119 E Toole Ave. - 5PM-7PM - $35/person
  
• Artful Holiday Open House - Artful Living Gallery & Studio - 1 E. Broadway Bl. - 11AM-5PM - free
  
• Shorts Sketch Comedy Show - at Unscrewed Theater - 3244 E. Speedway Blvd. - 9:30PM-11PM - $5
  
• Electro-Boom presents THUNDERDOME! (an apocalyptic Tucson Comic-Con After Party) - at The Surly Wench - 9PM-2AM - no cover - 21+
  

NOVEMBER 7-8
All Souls Procession Weekend - Gather at 6th Ave. & 7th St. at 4PM - march to Mercado San Agustin at 6:30PM
NOVEMBER 10
Tuesday Night Classics: The Jerk - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
NOVEMBER 13-16
Friends of the Pima County Public Library Book Sale - 2230 N. Country Club Rd. - 9AM-4PM
NOVEMBER 14

• 6th Annual is Harvest Festival - Tucson Village Farm - 4210 N Campbell Ave. - 10AM-2PM - all ages
  
• Color Vibe 5k - Tucson Convention Center - start time 9AM - $65/runner (advance) $75/runner (event day)
  
• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 6PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Heart in Concert - at Desert Diamond Casino (Sahaurita) - doors at 7PM/show at 8PM - $40-$85
  
• Nuevo Bazaar Downtown Flea Market - 126 E. 7th St. - 9AM-2PM
  

NOVEMBER 15

• GABA Fall Bike Swap - 7th St (between 4th Ave & 6th Ave) - 7AM-2PM
  
• Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: Pot Luck Lunch - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
  
• Civano Fall Food Truck Roundup - 5241 Richard Ashley Way - 12PM-4PM - all ages
  
• CRUSH pARTy: Wine, Art, and Food Festival - at the Tucson Museum of Art - 12PM-3PM - $80/person - 21+
  

NOVEMBER 17
Tuesday Night Classics: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
NOVEMBER 20
Château Disco's Opening Night - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - $5 - 21+
NOVEMBER 21

• El Tour de Tucson - registration is now open, see website for info
  
• Gray and White Fête - Fundraising for Center for Neurosciences Foundation - Whistle Stop Depot - 127 W 5th St - 6:30PM - $100
  

NOVEMBER 24
Tuesday Night Classics: Planes Trains and Automobiles - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
NOVEMBER 28
BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
NOVEMBER 28-29
Pixar in Concert - Tucson Music Hall - Sat at 4PM, Sun at 2PM - tix $30+
NOVEMBER 29
Romo Tonight - at The Flycatcher - 9PM - 21+
DECEMBER 1

• Tuesday Night Classics: Christmas Vacation - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  
• Rancho Sahaurita Food Truck Roundup - 15455 S Camino Lago Azul - 5PM-8PM
  

DECEMBER 3
Meet the Nomads - Liberty in North Korea - at The Loft Cinema - 7:30PM-8:30PM
DECEMBER 4
Zoo Lights 2015 - at the Reid Park Zoo - 6PM-8PM - $9 adults/$5 children
DECEMBER 4-6

• Reveille Men’s Chorus: On Holiday - Leo Rich Theatre - 260 S Church Ave. - see website for tix
  
• Luminaria Nights - Tucson Botanical Gardens - 5:30PM-8:30PM - $18
  

DECEMBER 8
Tuesday Night Classics: Elf - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
DECEMBER 11-13

• 4th Ave Winter Street Fair - free - all ages
  
• Luminaria Nights - Tucson Botanical Gardens - 5:30PM-8:30PM - $18
  

DECEMBER 11-14
Friends of the Pima County Public Library Book Sale - 2230 N. Country Club Rd. - 9AM-4PM
DECEMBER 12

• Jingle Bell Run/Walk to Cure Arthritis - at Reid Park - 6:30AM-10AM
  
• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 6PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• KMKR Radio's next live music benefit - at Xerocraft - 101 W. 6th St. - 7PM - $10 donations appreciated
  

DECEMBER 12-13
A Southwest Nutcracker - Tucson Symphony Orchestra - Tucson Music Hall
DECEMBER 12-26
Winterhaven Festival of Lights - 6PM-10PM everyday - Please bring a donation for the Community Food Bank (cereal, canned goods) - Drive-thru date: Dec 26
DECEMBER 15
Tuesday Night Classics: A Christmas Story - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
DECEMBER 18
Movie Night at the Gardens: The LEGO Movie! - at Tucson Botanical Gardens - 6PM-8:30PM - movie included with regular admission
DECEMBER 19
21st Annual Downtown Parade of Lights - Holiday festival starts at 4PM at Armory Park/tree lighting at 5:45PM/parade starts at 6:30PM
DECEMBER 19-20
MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS - Holiday Special - Tucson Symphony Orchestra - Tucson Music Hall - all ages
DECEMBER 22
Tuesday Night Classics: The Polar Express - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
DECEMBER 23
Zoo Lights 2015 - at the Reid Park Zoo - 6PM-8PM - $9 adults/$5 children
DECEMBER 27
Romo Tonight - at The Flycatcher - 9PM - 21+
DECEMBER 29
Tuesday Night Classics: Goodfellas - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Dante's Fire - 8:00 PM / NEW Eclipse Sports Grill 7:00 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM / Frog and Firkin - 8:00 PM (Starts Sept 8th)
  
• Wednesday - The Auld Dubliner - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / NEW Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM
  
• Thursday - Aloft Tucson University - 7:30 PM (Starts Sept 4th) / Bumsted's - 8:00 PM / The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  

MONDAYS

• 90s House Party - Hotel Congress - 9PM-2AM - free cover - $0.90 drinks - 21+
  
• Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
  

TUESDAYS

• Retro Room Board Game Nights - 337 E. Fort Lowell - 6PM
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• Video Game/$2.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  
• Open mic at Delectables - 7PM-11PM
  
• Taco and Tecate Tuesdays - Hotel Congress - free live music at 9pm/for $5 you get tacos and a Tecate
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Gallery Row ArtWalk - 3001 E. Skyline Dr - free
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  
• Big Brother Beats (Old School Hip Hop, R&B, and Funk) - at R Bar - 9PM-1AM - no cover
  

FRIDAYS
Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
SATURDAYS

• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  
• SATURDAZE Dance Party - Hotel Congress - 10PM - free - 21+
  
• Saturday Nights at La Cocina w/ DJ Herm - La Cocina - 201 N. Court Ave. - 10PM - $3
  

SUNDAYS

• Amtgard/Obsidian Gate, full-contact LARP group, weekly meet - at Joaquin Murietta Park - noon
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 4PM
  
• Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar (sometimes with live music) - Hotel Congress - 10AM-2PM
  

Greetings, /Tucson! It's the MAY 2016 edition of the Stuff to Do thread!
Use this sticky to collect general stuff going on around town (including Tucson's surrounding areas) in May. You can still start new posts about an event, especially if you need help planning something. This will just serve as an easy reference. (PLEASE NOTE: You CANNOT start a new post if you are self-promoting, or if you are somehow related to the person(s) that stand to profit from said event. This is considered spam by reddit. Don't do it.)
Comment with the details (date, time, location, admission fee, age restrictions, etc.) about any event/gathering/get-together that you think people may be interested in and I'll update the text of the main post so people can easily see what's going on.
Examples of good stuff to tell us about include:

• Art shows/exhibits
  
• Museum events
  
• Musical acts/shows
  
• Gaming get-togethers
  
• Charity events for actual charities (not kickstarter-like campaigns for your startup xyz store)
  
• Your band's upcoming gig (playing at a venue that isn't your house)
  

And more!
^{Anything advertising any specific product or anything illegal will be removed.}
MAY 3-8
First Annual Agave Heritage Week - Hotel Congress - see website for various events/times/prices throughout the week
MAY 3

• Tuesday Night Classics: Stripes - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  
• Rancho Sahuarita Food Truck Roundup - 15455 S Camino Lago Azul - 5PM-8PM
  

MAY 5

• First Thursday of the month free admission at the Tucson Museum of Art - 140 N. Main Ave. - 5PM-8PM - all ages
  
• David Cross Live - at the Rialto Theatre - doors 7PM/show 8PM - $30-$45 - all ages
  
• Cinco de Mayo bash w/Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers - Hotel Congress - 7PM - $30 - 21+
  

MAY 6

• Shatner's World: We Just Live in it - at the Fox Theatre - doors 6:30PM/show 7:30 - $58-$114 - all ages
  
• Friday Night LIVE! at Main Gate Square - jazz concert in the Geronimo Plaza Courtyard - 7PM - free
  

MAY 7-8
Mother's Day Weekend at Old Tucson - 201 S. Kinney Rd. - 10AM-5PM - Adults $17.95/Children (4-11) $10.95
MAY 8
Mother’s Day Breakfast 2016 at Reid Park Zoo - 8AM-9:30AM - $40 non-membe$35 membe$15 children 2-14/(under 2 are free) - see website for menu and tix
MAY 10
Tuesday Night Classics: Roman Holiday - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
MAY 14

• Second Saturdays Downtown - starts around 5PM - free to walk around
  
• Don't Blink Burlesque @ The Hut - at The Hut - 305 N 4th Ave - doors 8PM/show 9PM - Tickets $10/VIP $20 - ages 21+
  
• Bike-In Movie - Wrenched (by the Pima County Library Bookbike) - in the Jacome Plaza - 101 N Stone Ave. - 7:15PM-8:45PM
  
• Bike Gear Swap Meet - at Saguaro Corners Restaurant - 3750 S Old Spanish Trl - 2PM-4PM
  

MAY 14&15
2016 Tucson Artists' Open Studio Tour - various locations/artists, see website for lists - 11AM-5PM
MAY 15

• Tucson Bonsai Society's Monthly Meeting: Summer Care for your Bonsai - Catalina United Methodist Church, Building H, Room 230 - 12PM-4PM - see website for more info
  
• All Things Cake: A Cake, Cupcake & Bakery Celebration - at Viscount Suite Hotel - 4855 E Broadway Blvd - 11AM-2PM - see site for tix
  

MAY 16
Playground Against Humanity - come play Cards Against Humanity at Playground Bar & Lounge - 278 E Congress - 9PM-11PM - free
MAY 17
Tuesday Night Classics: Gladiator - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
MAY 18

• Poe and More Poetry Reading! - at the Quincie Douglas Branch Library - 1585 E 36th St - 6PM-7PM - free
  
• Google I/O Developer Conference - at CoLab Workspace - 10AM
  

MAY 20
Friday Night LIVE! at Main Gate Square - jazz concert in the Geronimo Plaza Courtyard - 7PM - free
MAY 21

• Tucson Blues Dancers' every third Saturday - One hour lesson/three hours of social dance - at Movement Culture studio - 8PM-12AM - $5/person
  
• Retro Game Show Night Presents The Hollywood(ish) Squares ft. Tempest DuJour - Hotel Congress - 6PM - $12 - 21+
  
• Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum: Full Moon Festival - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  
• Hello, summer! - Museum of Contemporary Art - 7PM-10PM - $5
  

MAY 21&22

• 2016 Tucson Artists' Open Studio Tour - various locations/artists, see website for lists - 11AM-5PM
  
• USA Rugby National quarter and Semi finals - at Kino Sports Complex - $10/person - see website for full details
  

MAY 22
Picnic with the Grizzly Bears - at Reid Park Zoo - 5:30PM-7PM - $100 Adults/$75 Zoo Members/$30 Children (ages 5-14)/Event is not available for children under 5 - see website for tix
MAY 24

• Tuesday Night Classics: The Wizard of Oz - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  
• Wildcat Comedy - at Illegal Pete's - 8PM-11PM - free
  

MAY 26
Snoop Dogg Live - at Casino del Sol's AVA Amphitheater - 8PM - see website for tix
MAY 28

• BBW Meetup - 11AM - locations vary so check Facebook group
  
• Cool Summer Nights at the Desert Museum - at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum - 5PM-10PM
  

MAY 29
Romo Tonight - at The Flycatcher - 9PM - 21+
MAY 28-29
Friends of the Pima County Public Library Mini Booksale - 8AM-12PM
MAY 31

• Tuesday Night Classics: Saving Private Ryan - Harkins Theatre - 5455 S Calle Santa Cruz - 7PM - $5
  
• Rooftop Yoga Hour - at Playground Bar & Lounge - 278 E Congress - 7PM-8PM - free (bring your own mat)
  

RECURRING EVENTS
NIGHTLY
SkyNights at UA Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter - 9800 East Ski Run Rd. - starts around 3PM - $65 Adults , $40 Youth (7-17 yrs) includes a light dinner
WEEKLY
Geeks Who Drink - different venues every day

• Monday - Dante's Fire - 8:00 PM / Public Brewhouse - 7:30 PM / Sir Veza's Taco Garage - 7:00 PM
  
• Tuesday - Hotel Congress - 8:00 PM / Frog and Firkin - 8:00 PM / Brew of A Sports Grill (Formerly Schrier's Sports Grill) - 7:00 PM
  
• Wednesday - The Auld Dubliner - 8:00 PM / Trident Grill - 8:00 PM / Playground Bar & Lounge - 7:30 PM
  
• Thursday - Aloft Tucson University - 7:30 PM (Starts Sept 4th) / Bumsted's - 8:00 PM / The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - 8:00 PM
  
• Sunday - Trident Grill II - 7:00 PM (Starts Sunday, May 15th)
  

MONDAYS

• 90s House Party - Hotel Congress - 9PM-2AM - free cover - $0.90 drinks - 21+
  
• Laughs and Draughts (Open mic comedy & draught beer specials) - at The Flycatcher - 10PM - 21+
  

TUESDAYS

• Tucson Blues Dancers - at the Boondocks Lounge - 3306 N. 1st Ave. - 7PM - free hour long lesson followed by 2.5hrs of social dance
  
• Retro Room Board Game Nights - 337 E. Fort Lowell - 6PM
  
• Tuesday Night Community Bike Ride - meet near UofA flagpole - 8:30PM
  
• Comedy open mic at Shooter's - 3115 E Prince Rd - Sign up at 8PM/show at 8:30PM
  
• Pale Blue Comedy Open Mic - O'Malley's on 4th - sign up at 9:30PM / show at 10PM
  
• Video Game/$2.50 You-call-it drink night with WTFAlex - 9PM - 21+
  
• Open mic at Delectables - 7PM-11PM
  
• Taco and Tecate Tuesdays - Hotel Congress - free live music at 9pm/for $5 you get tacos and a Tecate
  

WEDNESDAYS

• Knitting Group - at Grandma's Spinning Wheel - 6544 E Tanque Verde Rd - 5PM-8PM
  
• Whiskey Wednesdays - Union Public House - no cover
  

THURSDAYS

• Gallery Row ArtWalk - 3001 E. Skyline Dr - free
  
• Comedy Open Mic at Laff's - doors at 7PM / show at 8PM
  
• Big Brother Beats (Old School Hip Hop, R&B, and Funk) - at R Bar - 9PM-1AM - no cover
  

FRIDAYS
Free Women's Self-Defense Class - at Rising Phoenix Fitness - 2201 E. Broadway - 5PM
SATURDAYS

• Saturday Night Clay Parties - at The Tucson Clay Co-op - 3326 N. Dodge Blvd. - 6:30-8PM - $20/person (+$5 to fire pieces to keep) - see website for more details and to make reservations
  
• SATURDAZE Dance Party - Hotel Congress - 10PM - free - 21+
  
• Saturday Nights at La Cocina w/ DJ Herm - La Cocina - 201 N. Court Ave. - 10PM - $3
  

SUNDAYS

• Amtgard/Obsidian Gate, full-contact LARP group, weekly meet - at Joaquin Murietta Park - noon
  
• Juggling Club - at Himmel Park, behind the library - 4PM